The 2010 Major League Baseball season will be upon us in a few hours. As one of the few sports fans in the country who opts not to follow the NFL through the cold and lonely winter, I remind myself that it’s not interminable by keeping up with the off-season moves of all 30 clubs. Since you likely don’t, here then are 30 haiku to get you ready:
Arizona Diamondbacks:
Still full of promise
Like a gift left unopened
Unlike Webb’s shoulder
Atlanta Braves:
90s run is over
Only Chipper can tell tales
No new ones this year
Baltimore Orioles
Stupid Angelos
A youthful squad of talent
That he will squander
Boston Red Sox
Pitching and defense?
Is this the 80s NL?
Sign up Willie McGee!
Chicago Cubs
New Toyota ad
Least gross thing in the outfield
Not “Moving Forward”
Chicago White Sox
Guillen on Twitter
Most fun possible from Sox
Pale Hose fun to say
Cincinnati Reds
Votto, Cueto, Bruce
Vogue pick for sleeping giant
Wake, tired ogre!
Cleveland Indians
Nothing here looks right
Kind of like city itself
Can they get LeBron?
Colorado Rockies
Man, they like Jesus!
And winning under Tracy
Hope he’s not a Jew
Detroit Tigers
No recession jokes
Tigers could surprise this year
Young pitching comes through?
Florida Marlins
Great middle infield
I’m out of things to say here
Great middle infield
Houston Astros
GM Ed Wade sucks
Keeps snapping up old Phillies
Didn’t work when young.
Kansas City Royals
Sad, sad, sad Royals.
Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad
Zach Grienke is good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Double team name dumb
Is this the year small ball fails?
Please God, I hope so
Los Angeles Dodgers
Kids now maturing
Manny still being Manny
Pennant favorites?
Milwaukee Brewers
Nom en espanol:
Los cerveceros. Awesome
Team? Not so awesome
Minnesota Twins
Mauer MVP
Not just last year, but this year
Entering his prime.
New York Mets
Just like Queens, this team
So close, but a world away
Can’t get there from here
New York Yankees
NSFW soon:
Fuck these fucking fucks so hard
They are quite good though
Oakland Athletics
Billy Beane, genius?
Might need new business cards
No playoffs in 3
Philadelphia Phillies
Series last two years
Youngsters now mixing with vets
But, three in a row?
Pittsburgh Pirates
Seventeen seasons
Without sniffing .500
Less sad than Royals
San Diego Padres
Peavy gone away
Hopes for contention gone too
At least it’s nice out
San Fransisco
Who plays for these guys?
Tim, Cain, Panda, Huff… but, yeah
Rest of the team sucks.
Seattle Mariners
New GM savvy
Great trades and signings galore
Watch out AL West
St. Louis Cardinals
Pitching remains hoss
Pujols fun to watch, say too
Cards look plenty strong
Tampa Bay Rays
Third season post Devil
What a difference a word makes
AL East three way!
Texas Rangers
W’s team just like Prez
Run by drug-addled oilmen
Really, Ron used coke
Toronto Blue Jays
Riccardi is out
Blessing for fans, not for Wells
Albatross bye-bye
Washington Nationals
Oh say can you see,
Less than 100 losses?
I can! Giddyup!
If you made it this far, that’s pretty dedicated (Mom). And if you complain that these aren’t haiku because they’re not seasonal, then you obviously don’t understand the veracity of the Bill Veeck quotation: “There are only two seasons — winter, and baseball.” Welcome to baseball.
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