First things first: You’re going to watch this game. You have to watch this game. Even if you haven’t watched a minute of this World Cup, even if you’ve never watched a minute of soccer in your life, even if you think watching a minute of soccer is a waste of a minute, you’re going to watch this game. You’re going to watch it because everyone else is. You’re going to watch it because a Sunday afternoon with friends and beer is only made better by watching strangers run around, developing allegiances to those strangers whose names you’d...
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I’m Sorry Ronaldo, Klose’s For Real: World Cup Recap and Netherlands-Argentina Preview
/taps mic I’m Sorry Ronaldo! Klose’s for reeeeaaaal! Never meant to make your country cry, Die Mannshaft won it sieben-eins. The US conceded six goals in four games. Costa Rica gave up two in five. Germany has let four in over six. Reiging (until Sunday) World Champions Spain saw seven balls roll over the line in their three group stage matches, as did Portugal. It took Algeria and Switzerland a fourth game to reach that total. Only Honduras (eight), Australia and Cameroon (nine each) allowed more than seven goals over the course of this world cup. Those last three teams finished 30th-32nd in the tournament. Yesterday, in capitulating...
Continue reading...Thank God Pepe Was an Idiot so the U.S. Could Advance, or WHOOO DID WE WIN THE WORLD CUP YET?
Sunday, I was ready to celebrate the U.S. advancing to the next stage of the World Cup. I was watching USA-Portugal at my favorite local, managing to get seats at the bar because I’m overly punctual and anxious. Portgual was looking if not worse for wear, at least potentially beatable. I was surrounded by perhaps a hundred rabid and drunk-since-brunch USA fans, a group that was made more fun by the addition of about ten unafraid Portugal fans. It\’s always more fun watching your side win when fans of the opposing side are nearby. Because schadenfreude. Then Portugal score that first...
Continue reading...Stoppage Time Blues: Weekend World Cup Recap and Day 12 Preview
I had to work until 8pm on Sunday. It was a terrible oversight on my part, the result of planning six months ahead, and requiring me to miss out on watching the USMNT take on Portugal in real time. Aside from Nani’s 5th minute goal, following an absolutely calamitous attempted clearance by Geoff Cameron, I avoided spoilers. I listened to nothing on the hour-long drive home and turned my phone off, lest someone assume I hadn’t made the terrible decision of trying to remain gainfully employed rather than watch a soccer game. As I approached my neighborhood, I realized...
Continue reading...Quick Take: Portugal’s Pepe Gets Himself Red Carded for Being Stupid
Portguese midfielder Pepe just got himself red-carded for head-butting German attacking midfielder Thomas Muller. https://vine.co/v/MIdTOXbzzTe DID PORTUGAL\’S PEPE HEADBUTT THOMAS MÜLLER OR FORCE HIM TO JOIN THE ILLUMINATI? #WorldCup2014 pic.twitter.com/3Lnh2Io5Lz — STOP THE ILLUMINATI (@Illuminati_Stop) June 16, 2014 That makes three remarkably stupid red cards so far in this tournament, but this one might be the dumbest. That said, this is good for Team USA, as Portugal were favorites before, but no longer.
Continue reading...Anatomy of a Goal (and Day Five Previews)
Before we get to anything else, we need to talk about this: [this space used to be filled with a gif of a goal but sadly has fallen to internet rot] I know, it happened on Friday and there have been eleventy billion matches between then and now. But try to remember. Try to remember when Spain and the Netherlands were playing one another in a tense and competitive soccer match, rather than Iker Casillas’ nightmare and a “performance that sang of the glue factory.” Before this moment, it looked as if Spain was going to head...
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