Just as yesterday I wrote about teams that find supporters due to reasons outside of nationality, success or other rational sources, so there are teams that foment anger and rage outside their in-game performance. There are folks who will not root for Argentina, Germany, North Korea, the US, and many other countries because of their political or military histories. There are some folks who won’t root for them because of individuals on the team: Cristiano Ronaldo on Portugal is probably the current poster boy for this effect, and personally, it’s Australia and Tim Cahill. There are folks who hold a grudge against a nation who had ousted their own in a previous tournament, perhaps unfairly, and who refuse to let the slight go: English fans who won’t root for Argentina thanks to Maradona’s Hand of God; the Aussies who feel aggrieved by Italy’s phantom PK in 06; the Irish who plot against the hatred French in response to Henry’s handball pushing Les Bleus into the tournament at their expense. And then there are just the red-mist inducing teams that come from a place deep in one’s soul.
For me, that team is Italy. Oh, Azzurri how I yearn to even tolerate your players. How much easier my family life would be if I didn’t have to bite my tongue every time I laid eyes on Fabio Cannavaro, if I didn’t have to choke down my own bile every time Genaro Gattuso (on whom my wife has had a persistent four-year crush) miss-times a tackle and plows into an actually talented player, if I didn’t have to dig my fingernails into my thigh every time an announcer praises their discipline and their cohesion.
Oh, I’ve tried to like them. It worked for about 12 minutes in Euro 2008. In the weeks leading up to my wedding, I needed to like Italy, as my about-to-be-in-laws were swarming the area while the group stages wound down. A victorious Italy would mean a triumphant family and joyous wedding. An Italy already bounced could mean a sour affair, and if they found out that I’d been willing them to be bounced, surely I’d never live to see my wedding night. I couldn’t hack it, couldn’t stomach it, couldn’t even pretend to put a smile on my face … until they crashed out and I could laugh riotously at their demise.
After the jump, Group F: Four Teams I don’t want to root for.
We’ll start with the Italians, because they’re the defending World Champions, having come away victorious in Germany four years ago (there is a joke about fascism in there that I’ll leave to folks in the comments). They return the aging core of that squad and its manager, Marcelo Lippi, who returned to the team after they crashed out of the 08 Euros (which, again, ha!). Gianluigi Buffon is not only among the best-named players in the tournament, but he’s also a fantastic keeper who should be able to stop most of what little gets past the defensive-minded outfield players. Half of the actual defense has been replaced from the Cup winners, with surprise omission (and trophy-winning goal-scorer) Fabio Grosso left to cry into his grappa. Cannavaro and Gianluca Zambrotta are both pretty ancient in soccer terms, but they’ll be paired with younger bodies in Giorgio Chiellini and Christian Maggio, not to mention the sasistance they’ll receive from Gattusoand the iron-elbowed Daniele De Rossi.
Italy will look to sit back and take whatever they’re opponents throw at them, looking to get out on the wings or up the middle on the immortal feet of Andrea Pirlo, who marshalls the middle of the park and looks to spring a counter every time he gets within sniffing distance of the ball. They’ve got some good attacking options as well, for those rare forays into the opponent’s third, led by Alberto Gilardino and Vincenzo Iaquinta, with plenty of firepower coming off the bench. 21st century Benedict Arnold Giuseppe Rossi (born: Teaneck, NJ) opted to play for Italy rather than the US and is rewarded for being a turncoat by leaving him off the squad entirely. He’s watching the tournament from home, which, let’s keep in mind, is in New Jersey, in the United States, which is not Italy.
And which teams will try to poke holes in the Roman lines? Three squads with very little chance of doing so:
New Zealand: The All Whites (no, seriously. The soccer team is the All Whites, due to their all white home kit. The rugby team is the All Blacks due to their all black kit. The basketball team, and I again shit you not, is the Tall Blacks. (Here is a relevant joke.) are not good.
If you watched the Confederations Cup last year (you didn’t), you’ll know this already. Oceania, the conference from which the Kiwis advanced, doesn’t even get an automatic bid to the World Cup, having to defeat the 5th ranked qualifier from Asia to book a ticket. They beat Bahrain (Bahrain!? More like Bahsun!) to get here, but it will likely be their last until the next round of qualifying begins. Even a single point from the group would be a minor miracle.
Paraguay – La Albiroja, which is not a fish but a compound word meaning red and white which is the color shirt they wear, are not a particularly famous or deep squad, though they are likely talented enough to make it out of this group. And, should they make it out, they could wreak havoc on the rest of the bracket in the knockouts. Why? Mostly because anything can happen in the knockouts, but also because I like the way this team is built, even if I don’t like the way they play or who plays for them. Most of the starters have 40+ caps for the national team, so even if they aren’t famous or supremely talented, they do know how to play with one another, which can sometimes be enough in a tournament like this.
Slovakia – Remember what I wrote about Serbia the other day? Yeah. Goes for these cats as well. It’s going to be all about hard tackles and last ditch defending, save for the occasional long ball hoofed up to their actually talented attacking midfielder Marek Hamsik. They’ll take full points off New Zealand and will probably draw either Italy (in what will be a cover-your-eyes awful defensive slog in which their might not even be 10 total shots) or Paraguay.
Italy will, shudder, make it through to the knockouts as group winner, without too much of a struggle. It’s possible that Paraguay challenges them, or even that Slovakia might nick a point from their contest, but they are the class of these four. Paraguay will finish second on goal differential, since they’ll actually spend a little time looking to score rather than concede. Slovakia will put forth a game effort and will probably feel hard done by for landing in this group. New Zealand will go back on a flight they’ve probably already got booked, and that country will go back to caring about rugby, sailing and hairy fruit.
Tomorrow: Group G: The Kill, Marry, Fuck group.
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