There are certain teams in every sport that engage even the most casual observer. Whether through their energy, their story, their uniforms, their players (see: hotness thereof, often), they pull in the folks who just happen to be in the room. Think about the Cinderellas every year in March Madness. Think about the Rockies run to the World Series a couple years ago. Think about any team that met legitimate tragedy during their play and persevered, even triumphed, to reach an improbable height. Consider a team that has sat at the precipice of success for years, poised to grab the brass ring, but always failing (I’m thinking of the Bulls in the late ’80s, but there are many teams across all sports that fit this description). Think about casual fans gravitating toward teams with Tom Brady or Derek Jeter or Tony Romo. Now put all those together.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Group E favorites: the Dutch. And, were that not enough, each of the other three teams also bring fantastic stories and out-sized hopes to South Africa with them. But we’ll start with the Dutch, perhaps the best footballing* nation never to win a World Cup.
After the jump: Group E, featuring the most compelling teams in the tournament, who you’ll pin your hopes to when the US goes out.
Which, let’s start there. Despite featuring styles that changed the game internationally, and players who redefined the expectations for what was possible, the Netherlands have never lifted the Jules Rimet. Their players make huge impacts across Europe, leading club teams to domestic and continental success. Just last month, Bayern Munich and Inter Milan both based their attacks and pinned their chances on a couple of Dutch players, with Wesley Sneijder (there’s your smoking hot guy, btdubs) outdueling Dutch team-mate Arjen Robben, this latter now doubtful for South Africa after selfishly attempting tricks in the 86th minute of a 6-1 friendly crushing of Hungary last weekend. Johann Cruyff held Barcelona together, redefined his position and was generally recognized as a transcendent talent, but never gets mentioned in the same breathless fashion as Pele, Maradona, Beckenbauer and Zidane because he never reached the dizziest of heights. Ruud Gullit, Frank Rijkaard, Dennis Bergkamp and a host of other famous names have also pulled on the bright orange shirt and failed to impress quite enough.
They’ve finished second twice, to Beckenbauer’s Germany in Germany in 74 and again to the hosts (Argentina) in 78, but never finished the job, which probably puts them in the heartbreak category as well as in the traditionally awesome category. Also, the style they invented? Total Football? Well, it can be just about the prettiest damned thing you’ve ever seen, as you watch players switch positions with such fluidity you wish the kit numbers were bigger so you had a better grasp of how everyone ended up where they did. It’s fast, just as capable of scoring through the middle as it is up the flanks, clamps down defensively on uncomplicated opponents, and does it all so effortlessly that you wonder if they’re working hard or just well-drilled. The answer is probably both. The Dutch, challenged only by the Brazilians — who, with 5 cups are just bullies piling on at this point — are everyone’s second favorite team. They might as well be yours.
But, that would mean you’d have to root against these three teams, which you might find impossible.
Cameroon: They have the best team name in the group: The Indomitable Lions. Root against that name; you can’t. Cameroon also brings plenty of flair, not to mention a great player in Samuel Eto’o who should show his best form in a tournament on his home continent. Also, with injury and poor form striking the other African teams, they might be (see Group G on Thursday) the continent’s best hope in making sure the trophy doesn’t cross the Mediterranean or Atlantic until Brazil hosts the Cup in 2014. With Eto’o marauding up front, Alexandre Song keeping the midfield together and a surprisingly hearty defense (including two Spurs regulars!), they’re a fairly complete, if not deep, squad.
Denmark: They are coached by Morten Olsen, and called Olsen’s Eleven, but this team is actually led by a bunch of guys named Poulsen: three of them are expected to start. They play a style similar to the Dutch, but which relies more on superior technique, shape and cohesion than unparalleled talent. Nonetheless, this team could be fun to watch, even if the attack is speaheaded by Pink Boots himself, Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner. They made a great run through qualifying to get to South Africa and there aren’t too many reasons to doubt they’ll carry on with that for the next couple weeks, but they’ll be up against much stiffer competition. Still, they’re the quiet, unassuming underdogs in this group, hoping to be underappreciated by their opponents if not overlooked.
Japan: The Samurai Blue lose in the nickname department by a long shot. The other option is Japanese Soccer Representatives, which manages to make even Samurai Blue look edgy and creative. Almost all their players ply their trade** in Japan, so I don’t have much of a scouting report on them, but they’ve been successful in Asia and made the Round of 16 when they co-hosted the World Cup with Good Korea in 2002. I do know they play a pretty basic formation, which means if they’d like to translate their continental success in South Africa, they’ll need to be well-drilled and disciplined, especially against the talented and dominant squads they’ll be facing in the group. My guess is they’ll be both well-drilled and disciplined, but they won’t be able to make up the talent gap that (let’s face it) probably exists. The J-League is well-respected, but it’s nothing close to a top European league***.
In the end, I think the Dutch take all nine possible points, with two matches a complete cakewalk. I’m not sure which two, but my guess is Denmark in the opener because the Dutch practice against that style on the practice ground and against better talent, and Japan, because, again, the gulf in talent is probably huge, even though Samurai Blue (ugh) held England without a goal except for the two Japan scored on themselves. Cameroon will stay close to the Dutch because my gut feeling is they’ll be playing for position rather than survival. This means the Danes and Japanese go home after the group stages, but I think they’ll gain a lot of fans.
Tomorrow: Group F, for Fuck these teams, or at least one of them.
*I finally used football instead of soccer, but I won’t apologize because “footballing” sounds considerably more mellifluous than “soccer-playing.” Fuck a hyphen.
** I think this is the most soccer-specific cliche in existence. It never comes up in any other sport, but you’ll hear an announcer use it at least once during every international. Watch for it during the tournament and drain your beverage every time. It’s effective.
*** Watch this Niall Ferguson-esque Euro-imperialistic sentiment come back to bite me in the ass. Would serve me right for even slightly allying myself with that stupid shit.
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