Friday Funny: Change for a Dollar

From the incredible series Mr. Show.

Morning Constitutional – Friday, 29 April 2011

Good morning, and happy Friday.  I hear there was some sort of nuptial event today across the Atlantic.  Here’s your morning constitutional:

The death toll from storms in the south nears 300 in the wake of this week’s tornado outbreak.

While American incomes rose in March, spending slowed as gas and food prices went up.

China, which has more smokers than any other country, will release new regulations on smoking in public.

Two newly formed groups, Priorities USA and Priorities USA Action, aim to raise $100 million for President Obama’s reelection campaign.

Phillip and Nancy Garrido pleaded guilty to the kidnapping and sexual assault of Jaycee Dugard, and will both receive sentences of life in prison.

According to a new Rasmussen poll, Donald Trump is currently the GOP frontrunner for presidential nominee.

How long can man survive on beer alone?

The space shuttle Endeavour is scheduled to begin its final flight this afternoon.

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens gives an interview in advance of an upcoming book.

A Washington man has been acquitted of stealing a 99 cent hot dog.

Finally, a British plumber found a creative way to celebrate the royal wedding when he got images of Will and Kate tattooed on his front teeth.

The news that actually mattered

First Read nails it when they mention what was lost in the wilderness yesterday while all that everybody could bother to notice was the non-news story of the president’s birth certificate (and the Royal Wedding!):

Birth Certificate Day, of course, overshadowed a bigger story that will actually impact U.S. lives: the news of Obama’s new national security team, which includes a lot of familiar faces; it’s more of a “staff shuffle” than “shakeup.”

….

Well, there was Bernanke’s first press conference and the announcement that the Fed’s $600 billion bond purchase will end in June and that interest rates will remain low for a while longer. There was the news that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid plans to hold a Senate vote on the House budget plan (which means that Dean Heller will have to vote for it again). And there was the story about some rowdy GOP town halls, especially in senior-rich Florida.

….

Of course, the biggest story today is the tornadoes that ripped through much of the South yesterday.

All lost because the president proved what everybody already knew. And those who didn’t believe it still pretty much don’t, according to a new poll by Survey USA. Of those who have seen the president’s birth certificate:

* 57% say they knew all along that the President was born in the USA.
* 14% say they had doubts, but now are satisfied that the President was born in the USA.
* 18% say they still have doubts about where the President was born.
* 10% say they are sure the document released 04/27/11 is a forgery.

Monkeys riding dogs

Courtesy of Ghost, who just sent this to me, here’s exactly what the title says: monkeys riding dogs.

Carry on.

Selected comments from Fox News story “White House Releases Obama’s Long-Form Birth Certificate”

So, the White House today released President Obama’s long-form birth certificate, and, being a pretty lame but I guess Important News Item, Fox News had to—I assume reluctantly—report it.

I went into the danger zone: yes, the Fox News comments. Below are some choice samples.

4arkie notes:

Is it real? After delaying two years it is possible it could be a forgery, our Government can produce some pretty good “copies” of anything they choose. How do you think our spies get their “papers”? I am not saying it is a forgery but it makes one wonder why it took so long. The more important question is , “How do we make SURE Obama is NOT re-elected to another term”. America cannot survive another four years of the current policies whether foreign or domestic!

beetle_baily says:

That’s it play the race card again when there is no race issue. McCain was asked to produce a birth certificate during the election, as was Obama. One APPEARED to have something to hide, and it wasn’t his skin color. And another thing. Why do you think Fox News is racist? Do you think they were the only ones reporting on this issue? Think again.

howard521 has some questions:

1. It took two years, pressure from Trump, and from the public, for Obama to finally produce a
birth certificate, which Obama should have presented when he first ran for the Presidency.

2. The timing is very suspicious. How do we know this document is even authentic?

3. Not long ago, stories were circulating that at the time of Obama’s birth, Hawaii wasn’t even issuing
long form birth certificates.

4. How come his religion isn’t listed ?

5. Regardless of his birth certificate, Obama is destroying America, our economy is in shambles, and
Obama wants to squander Trillions more !

6. If Obama is doing so well, why does he need to spend a Billion dollars to get reelected ???

More beyond the pale.

Continue reading »

Michigan Republican State Senator Bruce Caswell wants to turn foster kids into hipsters

Reports Michigan Public Radio:

Foster children in Michigan would use their state-funded clothing allowance only in thrift stores under a plan suggested by State Senator Bruce Caswell.

Caswell says he wants to make sure that state money set aside to buy clothes for foster children and kids of the working poor  is actually used for that purpose.

He says they should get “gift cards” to be used only at Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.

You see, clearly the problem is that poor kids aren’t cool enough. They’re buying their crappy clothes at Target and Walmart and just not picking up on the latest trends. Remember when that Napoleon Dynamite kid got that choice chocolate brown suit at the thrift store? See, CLEARLY THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT THIS PLAN THAT CAN BE CONSTRUED AS ANYTHING BY PURE COMPASSION.

Oh:

“I never had anything new,” Caswell says. “I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was — and quite frankly it’s true — once you’re out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes.”

Well, never mind: You are an asshole.

Holy crap, the Chinese are beating us at beer-swizzling too

Chart above from a paper (PDF) by Liesbeth Colen and Johan Swinnen, via Felix Salmon at Reuters.

Not charted: Number of dreams shattered.

Now, that patriot himself, Al Bundy:

Voting has never been the American way. We didn’t get away from that pansy country England by voting. We did it by throwing their stinking tea in our American harbor. And why? Because Americans don’t like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don’t like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice cold, best in a bottle, but find in any way you can get it, belching, burping, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer. So let’s show them how a man votes. Let’s get blitzed and take it to the streets. Let’s strike a blow anywhere they dine alfresco, anywhere they eat Brie cheese, and any way they wear their pants up high around their waist in the European way. The only thing Americans understand is mindless Tom and Jerry cartoon violence. So, let’s go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or give me death!

Morning Constitutional – Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Good morning.  Lindsay Lohan will be working as a janitor to meet her community service hours.  And now, your morning constitutional:

A federal judge ruled in favor of NFL players, ordering owners to lift their lockout.

King and Spaulding, the law firm hired to defend DOMA, has withdrawn from the case.  In response, Paul Clement, the partner serving as lead attorney on the case, resigned from the firm.

Italy will join the NATO strikes in Libya.

High gas prices lead to decline in driving, as well as in President Obama’s approval ratings.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour will not run for president in 2012.

And in other news of the meh, Levi Johnston is writing a tell-all about the Palins.

Representative Gabrielle Giffords has been approved to attend her husband’s shuttle launch this Friday.

Almost five hundred prisoners escaped from a jail in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Fire ants can keep from drowning by banding together to form a raft and floating–for up to months at a time.

Finally, a woman in Tampa was surprised to find a seven-foot alligator in her bathroom last weekend.

The Day the World Turned Day-Glo

In sad news this morning, Poly Styrene (Marianne Joan Elliott-Said), the incredible and unlikely voice behind punk legends X-Ray Spex has passed away after battling breast cancer. NPR’s All Things Considered did a story on her just yesterday about her new album, Generation Indigo, which is due to be dropped today.

Congress has always been kind of shitty

I’ve been making my way through Daniel Walker Howe’s What Hath God Wrought: The Transformation of America, 1815-1848. It’s an extraordinary piece of historical non-fiction, spanning the era between the end of the War of 1812 to the Mexican American War. I have the paperback edition, and it’s quite simply too large to handle comfortably. But, as its Pulitzer would attest, an incredible and magnificent tome.

In any case, I thought I’d pass along an anecdote that I hadn’t heard before but found entirely amusing.

It’s important to note that the 26th amendment, which prohibits congress from giving itself pay raises, was not in force at the time. Although meant to be the 2nd amendment and passed by the 1st Congress, it was not ratified by the states until 1992.

The 14th Congress was an extremely productive congress. After the War of 1812 came to a close, they, led by such luminaries as Henry Clay and  John Calhoun, passed a still-historic amount and breadth of legislation.

So, of course, they voted themselves a modest pay raise. And, as a result, two-thirds of the congress (sure makes that 2010 “wave” seem more like a mild current) were either voted out of office or declined to seek reelection.

Now, here’s the balls maneuver. At the time, the so-called “lame duck” session was almost a year long, as the next congressional term didn’t begin again until December (the 20th amendment, much later, dialed it back to January). What did these brave men do with the lame duck? They repealed the pay raise for the next congress, while keeping it for themselves.

The real spending problem

Chart courtesy of Veronica de Rugy at The American.

We don’t have a debt crisis. We don’t have a spending problem. We don’t even really have that much of a tax problem. Hell, we barely even have a deficit problem. What we do have is a health-care problem. James Surowiecki explains:

Yet, strange as it may sound, the federal government does not have a spending problem per se. What it has is a health-care problem. The cost of most budget items typically rises at a reasonable rate, if at all, but the cost of Medicare, Medicaid, and the tax subsidy for employer-provided insurance has been rising much faster than everything else: in the past forty years, Medicare costs increased 8.3 per cent annually. If they’re not controlled, Medicare and Medicaid will eventually be by far our biggest expense. Preventing that is the key to getting our fiscal house in order.

Let’s just point out that the Affordable Care Act was the first, and only, piece of law passed to start to address this problem. And Republicans want to tear it down. Only President Obama and the Democrats (as sheepishly as they were) have acted on the real upcoming problem.

Morning Constitutional – Monday, 25 April 2011

Good morning, everybody. Seinfeld canceled on Trump. Now, your morning constitutional:

The Syrian army is attacking protesters in the southern city of Deraa. In a shift, the Obama administration is considering sanctions against Syrian government officials.

More than 470 inmates in an Afghan jail—many of whom are suspected of being Taliban insurgents—have escaped. How the break-out could be a big problem for the allies.

According to files obtained by WikiLeaks, the Guantanamo Bay facility is detaining about 220 actually dangerous terrorism suspects, 380 lower-level soldiers, and at least 150 innocent Afghans and Pakistanis.

As NATO forces strike the Gaddafi compound, at least 16 have been killed in Misrata by pro-government forces.

Bahrain’s Prince Salman bin Hamad Al-Khalifa has declined an invitation to Prince William’s wedding due to ongoing strife in Bahrain.

Much corporate political spending remains hidden, despite calls for more transparency.

Democrats to push for higher taxes on the wealthy, setting themselves up against Republicans who want to cut entitlement programs like Medicare.

How to get drunk but neither broke nor fat.

Finally, two friends take a $5,000 cab ride from New York to Los Angeles, including a stop in Vegas where they won $2,000 and woke up their cab driver by showering him in $100 bills at sunrise.

Look at this fucking elk playing in a mud puddle

It’s Friday. Make like this elk and go play in a friggin puddle.

Nevada

Senator John Ensign has announced that he will resign effective May 3.

Nevada was already going to be an important battleground in 2012, and for good reason.* With Ensign out the picture, it was also going to be a senate-seat slugfest as well. But, Ensign played a rough move by getting out now.

The seat will almost definitely be handed to Rep. Dean Heller, who was pretty much the front-runner for the seat in 2012 already.  Yet, because of this development, in 2012 he’ll now be defending the seat as an incumbent as opposed to it being an open seat. Advantage: Republicans, and especially Heller, who probably now won’t have a tough primary fight.

Should also be noted that Heller’s House seat will be up for grabs, and so would be the first special election since November. Honestly, that’s going to be the race to watch to see what the electorate’s real mood is going into next year.

* Way-too-early prediction: Romney wins Nevada if he’s the nominee, Obama otherwise.

Americans Trust Businessmen

Yglesias points out a recent Gallup poll that shows Americans trusting “business leaders” more than the president on the economy.

If you’ve been following me (especially my post on Romney’s chances), this won’t surprise you, and it doesn’t surprise me. Americans love business leaders, and, in general, distrust politicians. Call it the inevitable consequence of the grand old “Protestant Work Ethic” or whatever.

Of course, many don’t think this through: Business leaders are those same people who reaped million-dollar bonuses while the economy was collapsing; hell, they’re the ones that brought it down. They’re the bankers, the hedge-fund dealers, the upper one percent of one percent of earners, and the ones that decided that you should have to pay extra to check the luggage you’re required to check.

Praying for Rain

This is real:

TO ALL TO WHOM THESE PRESENTS SHALL COME:

WHEREAS, the state of Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s; and

WHEREAS, a combination of higher than normal temperatures, low precipitation and low relative humidity has caused an extreme fire danger over most of the State, sparking more than 8,000 wildfires which have cost several lives, engulfed more than 1.8 million acres of land and destroyed almost 400 homes, causing me to issue an ongoing disaster declaration since December of last year; and

WHEREAS, these dire conditions have caused agricultural crops to fail, lake and reservoir levels to fall and cattle and livestock to struggle under intense stress, imposing a tremendous financial and emotional toll on our land and our people; and

WHEREAS, throughout our history, both as a state and as individuals, Texans have been strengthened, assured and lifted up through prayer; it seems right and fitting that the people of Texas should join together in prayer to humbly seek an end to this devastating drought and these dangerous wildfires;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal way of life.

IN TESTIMONY WHEREOF, I have hereunto signed my name and have officially caused the Seal of State to be affixed at my Office in the City of Austin, Texas, this the 21st day of April, 2011.

RICK PERRY
Governor of Texas

I’d say “Only in Texas,” but you know that’s not true.

Friday Funny: Newsmen

More U.S. crazies than Egyptian crazies (what Islamic Brotherhood takeover?)

YouGov’s Peter Kellner notes some positive polling from Egypt:

Finally, a finding that will come as a great relief to Israel and much of the international community: 60% think Egypt should continue to uphold the peace treaty agreed in 1978 at Camp David; just 27% think Egypt should now end the treaty and sever diplomatic relations with Israel.

Adam Serwer adds:

Egyptians already have a civil war going on next door; it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to escalate tensions with their neighbor on the other side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the number of people who want to sever relations with Israel are about the same number who want an Islamic state, but either way, we’re talking about the political fringe. Let me put it this way: There is a larger percentage of birthers in the Republican Party than hardcore Islamists in Egypt.

Washington Post Columnist Line of the Day

So, the New York Times is now behind a pay-wall. Since we don’t want to force you to pay to read the drivel they print in the op-ed pages, we’ve decided to move this feature down the coast a little bit to good-old Washington, D.C., the home of none other than the venerated Washington Post. Chances are, you aren’t as familiar with these names: Robert Samuelson, E.J. Dionne, George Will, &c. In time, they too will get nicknames. Until then, let’s have some fun.’

Today’s is from Charles Krauthammer, who in his column “A racing form for 2012,” writes:

Having tried charisma in 2008, the electorate is not looking for a thrill up the leg in 2012. It’s looking for solid, stable, sober and, above all, not scary.

I really hope you don’t mean what it sounds like you mean there.

Morning Constitutional – Friday, 22 April 2011

Happy Friday, folks.  On the job market? Brad and Angelina are looking for a nanny, and the pay is six figures.  Here’s your morning constitutional:

The US has authorized the use of unmanned drones over Libya, and Admiral Mike Mullen says the war there is moving toward a stalemate.

Senator John Ensign (R-Nev) resigned, perhaps to avoid a public report from the Senate Ethics Committee which had been investigating Ensign’s possible violations of Senate rules during his affair with a staffer.

Seventeen state attorneys general have asked Pabst to stop manufacturing the “binge-in-a-can” drink Blast, which they say is marketed to youth.

BP sues Halliburton for its alleged “misconduct” in last year’s Gulf spill.

A British researcher says the Last Supper was not actually Jesus’ last supper.

Louisiana is the latest state to continue a “birther” bill, which Governor Bobby Jindal says he will sign if it passes.

Greenpeace named Apple the “least green”  tech company.

What’s the carbon footprint of beer?

James Franco has been accepted to another grad school.

Finally, complaints from animal rights activists ended weekly goldfish races at a Tacoma, WA bar.