Dear John

I imagine one day I will be an old man who writes many letters.  So be it.

Dear Subway,

Let me begin my offering my upmost appreciation and thanks for the fine establishment you have become.  Seriously, since February 16^th of last year I have spent $430.07 on sandwiches, most being less than $7 purchases.  I may not be Jared, but if there was a button that said “Sandwich Lover” with your logo behind it, I would be the guy wearing it.  My hunger for your sandwiches runs so deep I’m probably the only person who prefers actually having “Subway For Life” rather than the $27,780 check you give to the winner of your Subway for Life sweepstakes (by the way – allowing people to enter the sweepstakes only through 32 oz. sodas and Pizza Supreme Doritos is kind of gross considering loyal customers like me keep returning for the sandwiches).

So it is with disappointment that I find myself writing this letter.  As the loyal customer I am, it was disheartening to learn today that you have threatened other sandwich shops for use of the term “footlong”.  If ever we could put aside the debate on sandwich terminology with “hoagies,” “grinders,” and “wedges” battling it out, surely people know what a footlong is.  It isn’t to be owned or trademarked by you or anyone.  In addition, the U.S. Patent and Trademark office is backlogged enough with real applications that can spur innovation that create jobs and should not have to answer to your lawyers who are simply trying to abuse the system without offering any actual contribution to society.

While it is true that I won’t be able to pull myself away from your tasty sandwiches I will likely end my promotional campaign.  Everywhere I go I champion your commitment to customer satisfaction.  Your sandwiches are those for the masses, the kind that get hard working Americans through the day and home to their families.  I remind people what a good, tastefully smart lunch will do for them and encourage them to join me in my frequent visits to a nearby sandwich shop of yours.  But if you continue an immoral and devious plan to abuse our good society and system of trademarks you would also be mistaken to think I could champion your company any longer.

So please, drop any threats of litigation and pull your application from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.  Let your sandwiches speak for themselves, they will leave customers with pride, and save them from the embarrassment of spending dollars on a company that utilizes unfortunate business practices.

Yours in patriotism,

Jack Burden

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