Friday Funny: Man vs Toddler

The Agenda

As part of an investigation into foreign-financed groups promoting democracy in the country, Egyptian officials have blocked six Americans, including Sam LaHood, the son of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, from leaving Egypt.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta today announced a vision of the military that will cut spending. The plan will include base closings and smaller raises.

A judge in Arizona has ordered that Alejandrina Cabrera be removed from the ballot for city council because she does not know enough English.

I guess the big story today is that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer doesn’t really like President Obama much.

The Federal Reserve announced that it will keep interest rates low until at least 2014.

Probably thanks to austerity measures, the United Kingdom is now doing worse now than it was at the same time during the Great Depression.

Congrats to Rep. Barney Frank, who announced he will be marrying his longtime partner Jim Ready.

According to a new poll, a majority of Americans would fire every member of Congress if it were a line on ballot. Of course, most of them will just go ahead and vote for their own representative again this year.

A new study shows that working in groups can lower intelligence, especially among women.

You should definitely watch Stephen Colbert’s interviews with Maurice Sendak: Part 1, Part 2. Seriously. They’re amazing,

“Newt would show up at the campaign headquarters with an empty bucket in his hand — that was a symbol of some sort for him — and I never did know what he was doing or why he was doing it, and I’m not certain he knew either.” – Bob Dole

Hump-Day Song of the Week: Concrete Schoolyard by Jurassic 5

Despite having heard this song over ten thousand times, and it having been released well over a decade ago, this is somehow the first time I’ve ever seen the video. Huh.

The Agenda

“Just 80 laws were completed in 2011, the lowest number since the Congressional Record began keeping an annual tally in 1947. That’s well short of the previous record of 88 in 1995, which was also a year when a new Republican House majority countered a Democratic president’s agenda with one of its own.” And Congress will probably do even less this year.

The Supreme Court ruled today in Jones v. United States that police violated the Constitution when they used a GPS device to track a car without a warrant. The ruling was unanimous but the reasoning was divided. SCOTUSBlog has more.

John Kiriakou, a former CIA officer, has been charged by the Justice Department for leaking classified information, including the identities of operatives involved in interrogations.

Mittens Romney is finally bucking to pressure and releasing his 2010 tax returns, as well as an estimate of his 2011 returns. He’s also going on the offensive against Newt Gingrich, who shellacked him in the South Carolina primary this weekend.

Illinois Senator Mark Kirk suffered a stroke this weekend and underwent surgery this morning.

Two years ago, President Obama promised to double exports in five years. Many scoffed. Turns out, we’re on track to do it.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was stopped by the TSA after refusing to be patted down while on his way to a pro-life rally. Because, well, the government can’t touch his body.

Welcome to Megan Fox or Mike Tyson Island

What I really love about this ad is that it basically says “Hey, Brazilians, learn English so you can come to America, where there are way too many beautiful women, unlike Brazil, where THERE IS CLEARLY A LACK OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.”

Holy shit this is the exact opposite of Rebecca Black

Hump-Day Song of the Week: Pepper by Butthole Surfers

The Agenda

Today’s must-read: Andrew Sullivan on how President Obama has been more successful than either the left or the right will admit.

Get ready for a black Internet tomorrow: Wikipedia, Mozilla, Reddit and others will go dark tomorrow to protest the Stop Online Privacy Act and the Protect IP Act , which is quickly moving through Congress. The folks who run Reddit have a technical, but generally readable, examination of the two bills.

In really not surprising news, Jon Huntsman’s “ticket to ride” came to an end Monday morning as he left the race and endorsed Mitt Romney. Still not sure how he got away with quoting a song about prostitution.

Five bodies have been recovered from the wreck of the Costa Concordia cruise ship off the shore of Italy, bringing the fatality count to 11. Almost two dozen are still missing.

Wisconsin Democrats will file petitions with over one million signatures in their effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker.

Mitt Romney says that his income tax rate is about 15% and that most of his income comes from investments.

“The question then comes, ‘Is it God’s highest desire, that is, his biblically expressed will, … to have a woman rule the institutions of the family, the church, and the state?’” Jamie Johnson, Rick Santorum’s Iowa coalitions director

Here, watch and listen to an awesome dubstep remix of Dayman

Even if you’re like me and hate dubstep, this is pretty fucking sweet.

Friday Funny: Obama’s Anger Translator

New York Times public editor wants to know if paper should stop printing lies

The New York Times public editor asks:

I’m looking for reader input on whether and when New York Times news reporters should challenge “facts” that are asserted by newsmakers they write about.

….

Is that the prevailing view? And if so, how can The Times do this in a way that is objective and fair? Is it possible to be objective and fair when the reporter is choosing to correct one fact over another?

What’s interesting about the state of news media in this country are two basically paradoxical facts:

1. people expect newspapers to report the facts and dispel the non-facts, and
2. news media outlets are so obsessed with “fair reporting” and not pissing off sources that they hide from accusing anybody of lying.

It’s been a problem for a long time. What’s even worse is that saying something ridiculously false, if you’re a newsworthy personality (ie. running for higher office), gets more your publicity than being reasonable, and nobody is actually going to call you a liar in the news section. Sure, some op-ed columnist will say something to the effect of “this guy is lying,” but people ignore the columnists because they expect them to be partisan.

So, to answer the public editor:

FUCK YES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO ASK*

*Actually I can.

Well, this is not how a university should handle sexual harassment

Balayla Ahmad was a Muslim student at the University of Bridgeport (a school that since went bankrupt and is now run by the bat-shit crazy Church of Unification—progress!). In 2009, she complained that she was being sexually harassed by a male student. Here’s how you, as a university, completely mangle this:

When she complained to a teacher, she was told that the university generally doesn’t get rid of students right away over such incidents, the lawsuit said. Another teacher asked her if she were married and asked her not to report it to the dean because he would speak with the harasser, the suit said.

Ahmad then reported the harassment and fears for her safety to the university’s president and dean, who promised to meet with her. But she said when she met with the dean, he said, “My hands are tied. What do you suggest I do?”

Well, you could, you know, treat is seriously. Anyways, what happens next is fucked up:

After reporting the sexual harassment in April 2009, Ahmad said she was approached by two university security directors who told her someone had made allegations against her and they threatened to call the FBI and have her arrested.

Later, two FBI agents knocked on Ahmad’s apartment door, questioned her and left a business card, according to the lawsuit. She said she learned that her harasser or his associates had fabricated a story falsely accusing her of being a terrorist in apparent retaliation for having made a sexual harassment complaint against him.

The Agenda

Well, Mitt Romney handily won New Hampshire. Color me surprised. Next: South Carolina, where he’ll probably win. If he does, this fucking thing is over.

Iran has reported that a nuclear scientist has been murdered, and blames the U.S. and Israel.

Massachusetts senate candidate Elizabeth Warren hauled in a fuck-ton of money ($5.7M in the the last three months of December), while her Republican opponent, Sen. Scott Brown raised a little more than half as much ($3.2M).

Why conservatives bashing Europe is freaking silly.

Orange juice is getting expensive.

The FBI released Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s file. Turns out he maybe was a criminal.

Wingmen for hire. For Real.

“It’s astounding to me that the president is claiming these are recess appointments and within his authority, when Congress was not in fact in recess,” Black said. “These appointments are an affront to the Constitution. No matter how you look at this, it doesn’t pass the smell test. I hope the House considers my resolution as soon as we return to Washington so we can send a message to President Obama.” — Rep. Diane Black (R-Tenn.)

This delightful darling wants to start a boycott of the Girl Scouts because they let a transgendered child:

Hump-Day Song of the Week: When I Get Old by The Descendents

The Agenda

Well, tonight we find out who won the New Hampshire primary. That should be about as fun as watching numbers add with each other. Oh, it’ll be exactly that fun. 

Today’s must read: Matt Yglesias explains the Fed and why progressives should start engaging the topic.

The problem with Romney’s “I like firing people” line is when taken in context, it’s even worse, because most people can’t actually fire their insurance companies.

An amusing short anecdote by Jonathan Bernstein on mixing businesspeople and government economic policy.

Two good reads on Santorum’s Catholicism: The Cathovangelical: Rick Santorum’s Quest for a National Abortion Showdown, and Rick Santorum vs. Pope Pius XI — one candidate, two encyclicals.

Good thing the Republicans kept those Uighers who were unjustly kept at Guantanamo Bay from coming to America, otherwise we might have more pizza.

How Newt Gingrich’s super PAC got a $5 million check from a casino owner.

D.C. drinks: “On average, DC residents consume six drinks in a short time. While most binge drinkers fall between the ages of 18 and 34, the age group that binge drinks most frequently consists of those age 65 and up.”

Speakin’ of booze: Here’s 20 things you may not know about booze. Okay, probably like four or five.

“I was talking about, as you know, insurance companies…. We all like to get rid of our insurance companies.” — Mittens Romney